I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library- Jorge Borges

Saturday, 11 September 2010

The Breathe of Life.

To Fart is to reaffirm existance.

Farting is truth you see. In farting we liberate the deepest secret of our internal workings, the noises and smells of our hidden systems as they continually work to keep us existing on this astonishing earth. When we hear a fart it is not just a flat inexpressive noise, no, it is much more, it is the voice of our stomachs, the language of our intestines, it is their song... a symphonic chorus of joyous farting.

Farting is a language not bound to words. When speaking verbally our meaning is constrained by our own language, we cannot express anything beyond the words which our language gives us. But with farts we are able to experience different levels of meaning, like music. Music speaks to us in a way language cannot, it speaks to our soul without the need of words and we create profound connections with it. Here lies the truth and beauty of farts: They offer us a way of communicating that releases us from the shackles of words, a fart can mean infinite things, love, hate, passion, indifference, comfort...so let it speak.

Farting is a communication of the senses: of sound, and smell, it seduces our olfactory senses to the same degree of a crimson rose in summer. Within our social constructs we are conditioned to believe that the smell of a rose is to smell beauty itself, and to smell a fart is to smell repulsion and disgust, but let us today break down these barriers and proclaim with certainty of mind that “a fart by any other name would smell as sweet!”

Farting is the language for life, as infants, before we take on a verbal language we communicate by means of our passing winds, we fart and we fart and we fart, until the horrid, appalling event takes place in our lives..the chastity of the fart or ‘fart shame’ as it is subversively known as. This is when we are ‘taught’ that farting is a ‘dirty’, ‘sinful’ thing, oh lord, how it makes my soul ache to hear this. It is only later on in death that we return to the truth of our infant lives, when we pass away we still fart, after our heart has desisted its once perpetual beatings we still release them..it is the secret language of the dead...releasing their final breath after the soul has departed...perhaps it is itself the departing ascension of the soul.. 

We can also learn a lot about ones character through their response to farting, for example some people love the smell of their own farts, but not others. How self-adulating! Well to those people, I condemn you, and I hope one day you'll meet a person where you wish to dive under the covers and breathe, breathe deep to inhale the beautiful  smell of their back passage, and then you my dear, will be redeemed from shelfishness.

So, my guidance to you all, in future do not twist your noses away from a fart, no, instead, open your nostrils, open them wide, and breath it all in. In doing so, you are embracing the fart, its beauty, and ultimately...what it is to be human.

I fart, therefore I am.


  1. Yes. We should embrace all our bodily functions, and not turn up our noses at them. As Old Walt said: "If anything is sacred the human body is sacred."

  2. Another portal!!!!!! an exquisite bliss to be sure - can't help thinking of Kundera whilst reading this, pure smelly magic

  3. -Ha ha Old Walt speaks a lot of truth!

    -Kundera in The Joke? Missed you.

  4. Thinking more along the lines of Unbearable Lightness of Being and Stalin's son. Missed me? Aaahhh I skipped a beat!

  5. Never quite thought of it that way before, let's celebrate the fart!